Being Still. And Obedient.

Some of you have probably seen my posts about Landree's reflux issues. We had an upper endoscopy done a couple of weeks ago, which answered nothing for us. It showed nothing that would cause this continual reflux-like regurgitation. However, the doctor took a biopsy of her esophagus which revealed the issue. It's a disease called Eosinophilic Esophogitus (EoE). It's a disease that hasn't even been around 15 years, and may have evolved from the foods we eat in the way they are made and processed. Lovely, isn't it?

The doctor put her on an oral steroid, which, as of yet, has proven to do nothing except come right back up as soon as it's given to her. So the true answer lies in the food. It is another type of food allergy in which we will need to see an allergist to figure out which food(s) she is allergic to. I honestly didn't quite realize the seriousness of it until I started doing my research. As far as I know, it's not a life-threatening allergy, but it is one that is rocking her world and making her miserable. Selfishly, I hate being the one that has to sit around and watch her struggle. I want to run in the other room and turn up the tv real loud so I don't hear the every 60 second-two minute burping/regurgitation. So I don't have to watch her face overcome with lethargy and pain. 

I. Hate. It. 

Having a non-verbal child isn't all bad, at times. Especially when they're the sweetest thing in the world and complain only a fraction of the time. But when you are desperate to hear what hurts them or makes them uncomfortable, you wish those little vocal chords and brain would communicate for just a second, to tell me. 

I'm seeking out that supernatural peace that can only be delivered through Jesus. I am waiting for the right timing for Him to tell me the right thing to do and the next step. I find it hard being in the word when situations like this arise. Instead I want to research, take matters in my own hands. I want to be the fixer. I want to be in control. I have a hard time handing it over. But I know that peace will never come if I try and fix this myself. I find myself trying to put faith in the doctors. Yes, the doctors who surely have all the answers and can fix or cure my child. If I took as much energy in pursuing Christ during this time as I do the doctors, I might have already found that peace in the waiting. The older I've gotten and since I've become a mom, I've seen how control is in my sin nature and I want it it in all aspects. I want to control my kids, my husband, and the course of our days. This is something I have to pray through. Because one reason I believe God gave us Landree is to teach me that that illusion of control that I think I have, is not there. 

So, right now I'm trying to not take EoE down by taking control of it, I want God to take control of me so that I may be still and just wait. Wait for His answers and His peace. 

In the meantime, I would appreciate all prayers for my Landree. Prayers that we can quickly find the answer to the food allergy that is seriously irritating her esophagus to cause these issues. Pray that I would remember to give all the Glory to God, even when I don't get my answers. Even when I'm not in control. 

Right now I feel like I'm poisoning her, not knowing what foods are triggering the regurgitation. She's lethargic and losing weight. I haven't seen her joyful in weeks. It's kicking her little booty and all I want are answers. And I want them in my time. 

Opening up my bible and delving into his word is so much more than just reading it right now. I want to feel it and I want to be spoken to. I wish that I could sit down at the table with water colors, washi tape, fancy pens and all the time in the world to color, doodle and journal about what I'm reading. Then maybe post it to social media to show off my ability to be fancy in my quiet times, but no. I just want open my bible and let Jesus speak to me. Then let His words be put into action in my life and that is what people see. Whether it be through me or Landree. Let our fight to overcome this new obstacle be a testament. 

There is pain in the suffering and there is joy, too. I'm waiting to be fulfilled in a way only Jesus can fulfill me through this new hurdle to overcome with Landree. It's never easy to watch your child suffer and it's even harder when their struggles are frequent, but Jesus is Better. We will overcome. 

Praying for us over these next few weeks would be a blessing, friends. Praying as we welcome our sweet baby boy into our home as we ALL make adjustments. Pray for Landree as we wait for answers from doctors and from the Lord. Pray we can fix this issue so that she can go back to enjoy doing what she loves more than anything in the world - eating!!